Feature creep9 April, 2010
I am losing great chunks of my life, eight minutes at a time. ‘I know,’ I thought, ‘I will buy an alarm clock that doesn’t have a snooze function. Problem solved.’
No. Technology marches on. My requirements for an alarm clock (shows the time, makes a noise once every 24 hours, and is otherwise quiet and unlit) are ridiculously Neanderthal; apparently an alarm clock is no good unless it is literally singing and dancing.
I do not want a radio, an iPod dock, or bright colour-changing lights. I refuse to lift weights when I just woke up. I do not care about the temperature in Tokyo or the time in Venezuela. I do not want pink. I do not need it to be USB anything. It should not have wheels. I do not want it to fly around the room. It should not double up as a mirror or a photo frame. I do not wish to know the phases of the moon. The shape of a rotary telephone does not particularly inspire me to get out of bed; neither does a small plastic poledancing woman or a man hitting a gong. I do not want it to spy on me. I definitely don’t want it to talk to me. A projector is not required. Alien Hatching Eggs should not feature anywhere. Explosives should not be implied in any way. It should not blend.
Have I been seduced by the Unix philosophy, or am I just getting old and jaded? Must I build my own alarm clock?